Living life through a song
by MonkeyChatter
Summary: One conversation. Could it even be called a conversation? How did it all come undone and where do we go from here? So many questions to answer how many songs until we get those answers? Only time will tell. My end game is Rizzles.
1. Wake Up Lovin' You - Craig Morgan

**Authors Note - **I own nothing. Just day dreaming when I heard this song and this is what came from that dream.

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**Craig Morgan - Wake Up Lovin' You**

Voices could be heard echoing from the hall as the doors to the bullpen swung shut, leaving the three detectives sitting at their desks. Powering down his computer Korsak looked at the other two as he said, "It's Friday night of a weekend we aren't on call, why don't we call it quits and go have a few rounds? First one's on me!"

Catching his Sergeant Detective's eye, Frost jumped up, "That sounds like the best damn thing I've heard in a while. What do ya say partner?" This earned a slight head nod from Vince '_damn this kid picks up quick and the way he looks out for Janie is good,'_ he thought as he looked from Barry to Jane.

Without looking up Rizzoli waved her hand toward the door, "You guys go on ahead, I'm just gonna finish reviewing this cold case, drop the samples at the lab, and head home." Grabbing his jacket off the back of his chair Barry paused at Jane's desk, "If you change your mind you know where we'll be." Glancing up briefly before her eyes looked back down to her desk she sighed, "That's just it; I'm not going back to... I just can't." With a solid pat on Jane's shoulder Barry followed Vince out of the bullpen.

Grabbing seats at the bar Vince and Barry waved down Murray for two beers as they each got lost in their own thoughts. Spinning the bar stool around Barry looked over at their 'usual' booth as he recalled the good times they had seen there. As Murray set the drafts down he motioned to the booth, "She's not joining you tonight?" Vince shook his head slowly as Barry turned back around, "Don't think we will ever get her back in here again." Wiping down the bar Murray sighed, "Damn shame, always thought they were perfect together. Guess after so long nothing goes back to the way it used to be."

Closing up her notes and straightening up her desk Jane grabbed the samples she found and headed down to the lab to drop them off. Making her way out of the precinct she ignored a call from Ma, only the tenth one since lunch. _'It only took Tommy and Frankie a few days to realize I won't answer a call but I'll always answer a text. How long is it going to take Ma to figure it out?' _she thought as she started typing a text. _"Hey Ma, headed home, I'll call you this weekend... sometime." _

Pulling up to her building she heard Ma's text come through. _'We both know you won't call, I don't understand why but you won't. I expect you at family dinner on Sunday, no excuses this time BE HERE! - Love ya, Ma.'_ Releasing the sigh she had been holding she slid the phone back onto her belt and made her way inside.

Finishing off his third beer, Barry slapped the bar top as he set his mug down, "I've got it, old man! We need to go to a different bar." As Vince began shaking his head Barry continued, "No, hear me out. We can't get her back in here but she never said she wouldn't come out with us. She just said that she would never come back _here_. We keep trying to get her to return to the scene of the crime, so to speak." Looking past Barry, Vince saw Frankie grab the empty bar stool. Frankie said, "You guys won't get her out tonight anyway." "Why's that _Little _Rizzoli?" Barry asked. Smirking the classic Rizzoli smirk, Frankie answered, "It was six months ago tonight that it happened." Vince dropped his head, "That's why she wrote the '6' on the calendar today." Chiming in Barry said, "That explains why she was so down today, even more than usual. We can't just let her sit at home. We need to drag her out and paint the town." Exchanging glances with Vince, _'paint the town?'_ Frankie sneered, "Yeah, good luck with that! But you can count me in, we gotta do something."

Walking back into her apartment she unclipped the leash from Jo and hung it on the hook by the door. Opening the refrigerator to grab a beer she noticed missed messages on her phone. "What the hell?" she said to Jo Friday as she slid open her phone screen to reveal 38 missed texts and 16 missed calls, all with messages. "We were only walking for 20 minutes." Opening the messages she saw they are all from Vince, Barry, and Frankie. The first text read, '_Hey get ready we are going to Nocturnal_'. _'No we aren't'_ she thought as she read through the rest of the texts. She chose to delete the voicemails without even listening to them. She was typing out a group message to all three guys when she heard a commotion from beyond her front door. Just then a persistent pounding on the door seemed to be trying to take it off its hinges. Opening the wooden barrier from the outside world, she revealed Vince, Barry, and Frankie, all sporting devilish grins.

Frankie stepped forward and became the voice of the boys, "Hey you're not ready, go get ready." Shaking her head Jane said, "No way. I am not going anywhere called 'Nocturnal' no matter how _rad_ Barry thinks it will be." Laughing, Barry knew she at least read the texts, "Well that's good 'cuz we are not going there. Seriously, go change, we have got some serious partying to get done and you are either coming with or we are having the party right here!" Sighing audibly and adding an eye roll for good measure she headed toward her bedroom muttering, '_Not sure why I thought I'd just be able to be alone with my misery tonight.'_

Ten minutes later she came out of the bedroom in a pair of faded, torn, and bleached jeans and a white tank top. Sitting down on the edge of her couch to pull on her boots she thought she'd give it one more shot, "Guys, I really appreciate the thought but I just want to be alone tonight." All three guys shook their heads as Barry said, "Oh hell no, partner, we need to get out and paint the town. Let's go." Sighing, she stood up, grabbed her badge, keys, and black leather jacket, "Fine, let's get this over with." Walking out the door behind everyone Frankie shook his head and thought, '_What is his deal with painting the town?'_

They had been at this club for over an hour when Jane admitted silently and only to herself, that this wasn't half bad. She had never heard of this place 'Empyrean', it seemed to be a club for everyone. The music was a little bit of everything, not just pop or dance mixes and the sound system wasn't so loud they couldn't hold a conversation. As the boys were listening to Frankie tell another story of Jane's rebellious antics from childhood the waitress stopped and placed a drink in front of Jane. Motioning toward the bar the waitress said, "From the blonde at the end of the bar." The boys stopped and stared between Jane and the shot of gin. Raising the glass toward the blonde, along with her right eyebrow, Jane threw the shot to the back of her throat as the blonde gave her a wink. "Excuse me guys," she said quietly as she made her way to the bar.

Watching Jane approach the bar Vince cleared his throat, "Is it just me or...?" Cutting him off Barry shook his head, "Nope, not just you."

Flashing a Rizzoli smirk Jane held out her hand and as the blonde slid hers in to it. Jane gave it a quick turn and placed a light kiss to the back of the manicured fingers. "Thank you for the drink, may I have this dance?" Jane asked. Smiling, the blonde slid off the stool and they made their way out to the dance floor. One song became three and as they made their way around the floor Jane felt the affect of the music mixing with the gin and finally started feeling alive again. By the end of the sixth song the blonde slipped her arms inside Jane's jacket and raked her nails around toned abs. She pulled the detective in close and whispered, "Take me home," in her ear. Without another thought, Jane steered them across the floor towards the door. Smiling to herself Jane thought, _'Still got it and everything is alright'_ as they headed out into the night.

As the first rays of sunlight infiltrated Jane's vision she sighed in the peace and the tranquillity of being in love. As the realization that the honey blonde hair she was snuggled into wasn't that of... _'Damn it, I woke up lovin' you again,' _she thought. Sliding out of the bed and grabbing her clothes she slipped out of the apartment and started looking for a cab.

Back home Jane texted Frankie and asked if he'd watch Jo Friday for her, "Just a few days until I get back - need to get away." After he agreed she powered down her phone, left it on the table, and made her way out of town.

Stepping off the plane Jane looked around, let out a deep breath and realized that she was nowhere anyone knew her. Three days later and she felt that her best intentions of giving herself half of a chance to get alive and act like a different woman were shot to hell. Tipping back the whiskey bottle she sat staring at the TV trying not to sleep so she wouldn't wake up lovin' her.

Thinking back to a time when she had said that she was never going to stop lovin' with all her heart, no matter what, Jane let out a sigh. When she gave her word and made a promise she did everything she could to keep that promise. Too much had happened because now she felt like she was breaking every promise she ever made, as she whispered a prayer askin' God if he would just let her forget it all. Every morning those prayers went unanswered when she woke up lovin' her.

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**Authors Note:**

This is my first attempt at writing. This could become more than a ine shot if y'all would like there to be. Please review and know that I welcome any and all feed back. If you would like more please share songs that you would like to see as chapters or one shots.


	2. You don't know her - Brantley Gilbert

**Authors Note: **Still do not own anything, just enjoy playing with them from time to time. Made a few changes. Hopefully the summary is better.

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_From Wake up Lovin' You - Too much had happened because now she felt like she was breaking every promise she ever made. As she whispered a prayer askin' God if he would just let her forget it all. Every morning those prayers went unanswered when she woke up lovin' her._

**Brantley Gilbert - You Don't Know Her Like I Do**

Rolling over and pulling the pillow tighter over her head Jane tried to burrow into the bed to stop the pounding in her head. After a few minutes the pounding was replaced with ringing and she realized it was the phone on the night stand to her right. Choosing to stay burrowed into the bed, Jane drifted back off into her whiskey haze. The ringing began again and the pounding resumed. Consciousness was reached as she identified the pounding was from the door of her room. Stumbling off of the bed she made her way to the door and began fumbling with the locks.

After a few minutes she finally released the locks and threw the door open wide ready to tear into the idiot that woke her up. Standing in the doorway with mouths hanging open were her brother and partner. With his fist still raised against the door that was no longer there, Frankie stood in shock at the sight in front of him. Before either Frankie or Barry could utter a syllable Jane returned the door to its position against her brother's fist.

Turning on her heal she slumped down on the bed as she grabbed the whiskey bottle off the night stand. With the practice of the last five days she tipped the bottle up and began to down the numbing liquid, paying no regard to the burn as it made its way down her throat.

Standing outside the rundown motel room Frankie and Barry both stared at the door, still in shock at the condition they just found her in. Snapping out of his shock Barry opened the door and stepped into the small room. The rancid smell that hit him was a combination of stale beer, whiskey, and a football locker room after a game. With skills honed as a homicide detective he was able to hold down his dinner against the smell.

The only light coming into the seedy room was from the open door behind the guys. A small table sat in the corner with what appeared to hold a collapsed tower of empty beer cans, beer bottles, and an empty gin bottle. As the guys finished looking around the room they found a small dresser with a TV on a corner and four empty whiskey bottles on the other corner. Lying on the floor next to the bathroom door was Jane's unopened duffle bag.

Frankie and Barry stood watching as Jane finished off the whiskey and set the bottle on the floor. As she looked up at the guys she tried to focus on their faces, failing she lowered her gaze to the floor. With a voice void of any emotion she asked, "Why are you here?" Stepping forward Frankie replied, "To bring you home." Lifting her legs up onto the bed she laid back and mumbled, "I'm having too much fun to leave now."

As Barry went to the office to check Jane out, Frankie made his way around the room bagging up the trash and collecting her belongings. After placing her duffle bag in the trunk of the rental car he took the bag of empty alcohol containers to the dumpster.

Turning into the room Barry found Jane still sprawled across the bed and a flummoxed Frankie standing next to the bed with his hands on his hips. Smirking, Barry asked, "So, we ready to go Rizz?" Frankie replied, "Dude she is passed out!" With a small smile on his face Barry walked out to the rental car and opened the doors. Walking back into the room he marshalled his most authoritative voice and stated, "Man up Rizz and carry her to the car."

Letting out an exaggerated sigh Frankie moved around the bed and hoisted Jane into his arms. "She's not as light as she looks." Chuckling, Barry said, "I'll let her know when she wakes up you think she needs to lose even more weight than she has in the last six months." With tears in his eyes Frankie hugged her tighter to his chest and kissed her head, "No man, don't say anything. When I bagged up all the cans and bottles I didn't find any food containers. I don't think she been eating the way it is." Reaching down and picking up Jane's running shoes Barry held them up, "Not eating, drinking like a fish, and running, well I guess we know her weight loss secret." After finally crawling in the backseat with his sister hugged tight to his chest, Frankie pulled the door shut as Barry turned the car on and shifted into drive.

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'_Cold. So damn cold. Cold and wet. Teeth chattering cold.'_ Jerking around Jane opened her eyes and she tried to sit up as the ice cold water fell. Raising her hand to block the water from hitting her face, she focused on her brother who was standing beside the shower stall she is laying in. Like a child learning to walk, she slowly raised herself off the floor and turned the water off. Frankie pointed to the white fluffy towels on the counter next to her duffle bag and as he turned to walk out of the bathroom he threw, "Get yourself cleaned up." over his shoulder.

Thirty minutes later the bathroom door slowly and quietly opened as Jane squared her shoulders to face the guys. The first thing that registered with her was the smell of coffee and the fact that this was not the same motel room she had been in. "Where are we and how did I get here?" she asked as she made her way over to the small couch across from the queen beds. Barry sat up straighter in his chair replying, "That place was not fit to house Korsak's stray cats yet alone for human habitation. The way it was we looked like we were hauling the evidence of a crime away from there."

Sighing, Jane replied, "I'm not even gonna ask how you found me. Knowing you both you probably ran my credit cards. But really, why are you here?" Frankie stated, firmer this time, "To bring you home, Jane. Do you even know what day it is?" Looking at the floor she slowly shook her head. "It's Saturday morning, we found you late Thursday night. You were passed out the last day and a half..."

Cutting her brother off from the roll he was just getting started on she said, "I get it okay. I got it. You came to take me home. But when I asked everyone for help six months ago to bring _her_ home you all told me to let her go. Let her go? It wasn't possible. 'Just give her some time and she would be back, no need chasing after her.' So I ask again, why in the HELL are you really here?" Getting no reply from her brother or her partner she stood up and began to pace the hotel room.

Realizing they had not stopped her before she got a head of steam behind her they both sat back ready to hear her out. After all, they had not heard her speak this much outside of work in the last six months. "I know you guys care, I know you do. You guys don't get it though, that girl was my best friend. Not was, is. She still is." Watching her pace the guys gave one another a look agreeing to hear her out. "She still is and to have you guys tell me she wasn't worth it was too much. Saying it would stop hurting just shows how much you don't understand. You don't know her like I do. Hell, you don't know _me_ like she does." Interjecting, Barry spoke up, "We never said she wasn't worth it." Stopping her pacing Jane turned to face him. "Ma did," was all she said as her shoulders slumped and she attempted to hide the tears in her eyes. Frankie jumped to his feet and stopping short of pulling her into a hug replied, "Yeah, well, Ma doesn't speak for all of us."

Stepping back, Jane picked her coffee cup up as she sat back down on the couch. Dejectedly she said, "There is no way you're gonna help me, she is the only one who can, and I couldn't find her on my own." Taking a slow sip of the hot liquid she remembered all they had been through, her and... Blinking back tears she had to force herself to think her name; without realizing it she whispered, "Maura."

Barry allowed a small smile to slowly spread across his face upon hearing the honey blonde's name slip from his partner's lips. Looking at the floor with tears sliding silently down her face she continued, "It's like I'm drowning in the memories, everywhere I turn there she is. Everything I try to do to forget and nothing works, it's like I've lost a member of the family." Frankie whispered, "For the rest of us it's like we've lost two members of the family, her and since then you." Continuing as though she did not hear him Jane said, "Ma can't seem to understand I will never come for family dinner as long as she is gone. It's her home but she's not there and it fills my soul with all the little things that I need to forget but I just can't."

Frankie slipped his arm around Jane as he sat down next to her, "You are right, she is your best friend, and we will never understand. If you'll let us we will do everything we can to help find her. I'm sorry that it never dawned on me that you actually asked for help... that's just not like you and I should have realized it then. I am so sorry Jane." Brushing the tears from her cheeks he pulled her into a hug; letting out a shuddering breath she whispered, "Thank you".

Pulling back, Frankie gave a weak smile as he said, "We have a few more hours until we need to get to the airport, why don't we go get something greasy to eat?" As he watched his sister stand up he made a mental note to make her eat a lot more extra greasy and fattening meals because she was way too skinny.

As they made their way out of the hotel and into the rental car Barry spoke up, "Hey partner, what exactly happened at the Dirty Robber six months ago?" Shaking her head she could not decide if she was really ready to explain it to them. Jane thought, '_They don't know her like I do, and nobody knows me like she does.'_

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**_A/N:_**_Thank you to those of you who have taken the time to give me feedback, I really appreciate it all. I listen to all genre's of music and as a chapter writes itself to that song I will utilize it. So far its the country genre that is writing this story. _


	3. Not a day goes by - Lonestar

**Authors Note:** My deepest apologies to you, the readers! Time got away from me and six weeks has gone by... No excuses, without further ado...

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_From** You Don't Know Her Like I Do** - As they made their way out of the hotel and into the rental car Barry spoke up, "Hey partner, what exactly happened at the Dirty Robber six months ago?" Shaking her head she could not decide if she was really ready to explain it to them. Jane thought, 'They don't know her like I do, and nobody knows me like she does.'_

**Lonestar - Not a Day Goes By**

As Jane walked into her apartment she noticed how clean it looked. _'Damn it, Ma,'_ she thinks as she takes her duffle bag of clothes into her bedroom. Dropping the bag onto her bed she makes her way back into the kitchen. Jane turned her phone back on as she dropped it onto the counter and opened the refrigerator door, setting the bottle of beer on the counter she picked up her phone. Thumbing through the missed messages she let out a sigh and tossed the phone back on the counter when she didn't see Maura's name. Well she had erased the contact information but you never truly forget the number of someone who meant so much. With one last glance at her phone Jane reached into the drawer and pulled out the bottle opener, as she popped the top off the bottle she slid the opener into the drawer and bumped it closed with her hip. Raising the bottle to her lips she paused as the action registered with what she was going to do. Setting the bottle back onto the counter she released a long slow sigh and clamped her eyes shut trying to halt the flow of tears as they began to gather in her long lashes. Giving up on the attempts to stop the tears she released the sob that had gripped her chest as she slid down the cabinets to the floor.

A key sliding into the deadbolt ripped her out of her memories. Standing up at the island Jane grabbed the warm, dry, full bottle and up ended it into the sink as the front door opened to hurricane Angela. As Jane rinsed the bottle and tossed it into the recycle bin Angela quickly, yet silently, set the grocery bags she was carrying on the counter. Staring down at the bags Angela stood still and remained silent not wanting to push Jane. They stood in the small kitchen unmoving for almost five minutes when Jane slowly turned towards Angela. In a very small voice Jane said one word "Ma," on a whisper. Angela reached out and pulled Jane into a hug as she moved her daughter's unruly curls behind her head tucking Jane's face into the side of her neck. Wrapping her little girl into her arms Angela rubbed her back as she whispered for Jane to "Let it go, I've got you baby." It had been years since Jane had allowed her Ma to hold her and soothe her tears.

Realizing Jane had stopped crying and was just allowing her Ma to hold her Angela slowly pulled back to place a kiss to Jane's forehead. Angela felt her anger begin to rise as she told Jane, "Go around and sit down, keep me company while I make us some dinner." Jane nodded and with slumped shoulders slowly made her way around to the stools and folded herself onto one at the island. Hurricane Angela picked up as she began to unpack the containers of food and set about at doing what any good Italian mother did, feed her kids. Feeling her anger rise again Angela slid the pan of lasagne into the oven as she said, "I hate this. My kids aren't supposed to hurt each other like this." Staring at her Ma, Jane blinked and looked down at the counter top, slowly gathering her thoughts she responded, "Did this to myself Ma, maybe if…" letting out a sigh Jane slipped back into her memories. Like a kaleidoscope of color a slideshow of photos ran through her mind: Maura in scrubs with her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, Maura dressed to the nines for an event with the Isles Foundation, Maura in her running gear, or Maura simply dressed for work, although Maura never '_simply_' dressed for work. One of the pictures that stood out in Jane's mind and was the one she always came back to was one the honey blonde did not even know was taken. At the BPD cookout a few years ago Maura was laughing at a story Korsak was telling when Barry snapped the picture. When Jane saw it she asked her partner if she could have copies of all the photos, she couldn't just ask for the one that had caught her breath in her chest. _'Got a picture of you I carry in my heart, so all I have to do is close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark,'_ she thought to herself.

Pulling the memory that she carried in her soul around herself Jane slowly opened her eyes blinking back tears. Angela caressed her arm as she asked "How ya doing?" Sighing Jane replied, "Fine Ma, just fine." Knowing Jane had pulled her walls back up and locked them into place Angela didn't think she would get an answer but she had to try. "Jane, sweetie, you were saying maybe if… maybe if what?" Slowly shaking her head Jane could not answer. Pulling the lasagne out of the oven Angela set about making a salad to go with it.

Had any music or other sound been occurring Angela would have missed the whisper that slipped from her daughter's lips "Baby not a day goes by, not a day goes by that I don't think of you." Setting the knife down on the cutting board Angela turned to face Jane encouraging her to continue. Without looking up Jane continued in the same whispered breath, "After all this time she's still with me… it's true, somehow, I don't know how but somehow it's like she's locked deep inside filling a hole or a gap that I didn't even know was there." Brushing the tears from her cheeks Jane stood up and stepped into the kitchen "Let me help finish this up, Ma". Sighing, Angela heard the proverbial 'click' of those walls snapping into place, "Thanks sweetie".

After they ate and divvied up the leftovers with instructions for Jane to eat them Angela departed the apartment. As she walked out to her car Angela pulled her cell phone from her purse, finding the number she hit send. The call was answered quickly and interrupting the greeting she received Angela, asked that they meet. Climbing into her car Angela made the decision to try everything she could to help her daughter, well, both her daughters. Not knowing exactly what had happened was not going to stop her from trying to at least get them into the same city, room would be better but city is a start.

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Walking into the Dirty Robber Angela scanned the room for her soon to be accomplice. Sliding into the booth she smiled at the apprehensive looking Barry Frost, "Thank you for meeting me detective." Smiling, Barry asked, "Angela, why do I feel this is not really a social meeting?" Shaking her head and chuckling, she dropped her eyes down to the table top and releasing a large breath began, "It's no secret that Jane doesn't confide in me, or really very many people and I'm hoping she has shared with you, her partner, what happened with her and Maura." When Angela called and asked Barry to meet her, he was not really surprised by the request and if he was honest with himself this statement didn't really surprise him either… the fact it took her six months to ask it that was the surprise.

Before Barry could respond Angela continued, "I watched her just sitting there staring at her phone like she's waiting for it to do something." Barry let out his own chuckle, not that it was funny, but "Yeah, she does that at her desk too, doesn't think we notice but we did earn our detective badges somehow." Sighing he continued, "I think it is like she is waiting for Maura to call and say her dreams didn't turn out right," Angela interjected "Yeah ok I get that but what happened, Barry? I mean they were best friends, almost closer than many married couples I've known and then one day Maura was gone, just gone. No explanations, no nothing. They don't even stay in touch, I just don't understand." Together they sat lost in their own thoughts with similar questions playing through their minds.

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As Jane lay in bed that night, staring at the ceiling, in the dark it still amazed her how much she wished she that she was next to her with her head against her heart. A bright light lit up the room as Jane reached over and grabbed her cell phone. Opening the screen she saw a text from Barry asking how she was doing, "_just fine_," she sent him back, both knowing that was so far from the truth. Closing her phone and placing it back on her nightstand she thought to herself _'If only he could read my mind, a day doesn't go by that I don't think of her and after all this time she is still with me, it's true.'_ As she closed her eyes, hoping to lose herself in her dreams her last conscious thought was '_how the minutes turn to hours, the hours to days and seems like it's been forever that she's felt this way_.'

Closing his phone and setting it on the table Barry looked up into the concerned eyes that were so similar to his partner and friends. "Angela, I honestly don't know what happened between them. When Jane was going to tell Frankie and me, she couldn't. She tried, I really believe she was trying to tell us but she couldn't. I'm not sure if she doesn't know how to explain it, or if she thinks if she says it out loud it will make it real and she is still trying to keep it from being real."

As he trailed off a thought came to him, did she even understand what was between them? Maybe she did, maybe she didn't but could it be they were really closer than best friends? Had they been a couple and just didn't trust their family and friends to support them? Looking up into Angela's eyes, they were so similar to those of her daughter… Would she have supported them or would her faith keep her from a loving relationship with her daughters? Not having any answers, but more than enough questions, Barry made a decision. He would do everything in his power to find the other half of the equation and maybe, just maybe, he would find some answers for them all.

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**A/N: **Many thanks to everyone for taking the time to read my 'MonkeyChatter'... If you have left me feedback I truly appreciate it and take all the feedback in the manner it was intended. This chapter went through many, many, many... well you get the idea, re-writes! The next few chapters have jumped out at me and have been writing themselves. Will try my hardest to get them uploaded in under six weeks time. Thank you again, it is for the readers that I allow my monkeys out to play.


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